Hashirama, World's Worst Matchmaker
by Silverlight10243
Summary: In which Hashirama decides to solve the issues of clan politics through the rather... uncanny methods of marriage and his rival, Madara Uchiha's blind little brother becomes the first victim. Tobirama is flabbergasted, Madara is fuming, Toka is enraged, Izuna is shocked. Hashirama really isn't the world's brightest matchmaker... READ AND REVIEW XD (Microfic and Crackfic)
1. Chapter 1

"Brother, no! We've talked about this before, the Uchiha's may pose a dangerous threat to the village! You know a lot of them were displeased about you being elected Hokage," Tobirama tried to convince his brother, the Shodai Hokage Hashirama Senju.

"Still, give them a chance! Isolating them in the Konoha Military Police quarter's just doesn't add up!" Hashirama explained fervently. "Besides," he grinned, "I have a much, much more better plan."

Tobirama looked a little uneasy.

"Come on! My plans are never that bad! Konoha was partly my idea and look how it turned out!"

The younger of the two shook his head in defeat, "all right, let me hear it first."

"Marriage!" Hashirama exclaimed, "Marriage is the key!"

Tobirama Senju facepalmed. "What the-"


	2. Chapter 2

"NO WAY!" Madara Uchiha was furious, those bastard Senju brothers had already done enough damage to his clan, he wasn't going to allow this.

"Come on Madara! Your little brother needs a wife to look after him, you know, eh… being blind and everything because…"

"NO!"

"And being clan head, you're often too busy for anything!" Hashirama was desperately trying to reason with the stubborn raven-head, his confidence in his plan was starting to waver.

"Well, she's not going to be anybody from the Senju clan. No, just no!" He bellowed on the top of his voice.

This had been almost identical to his brother's response: "An inter-clan marriage with the Uchiha's?! You're an even bigger idiot that I expected!"

In response to Tobirama, he had grinned self-assuredly, "I'll talk to Madara, he'll definitely agree with it."

"Our cousin Toka…"

"Our cousin Toka needs to get married."

"Not to an Uchiha!"

"She's got no other option—"

"Hashirama!" Tobirama gave his brother his signature glare which practically said _No way, just no, not until the whole Uzumaki Clan has died out!_

"A few more years later she'll be way past marriage age, now is the chance!"

Tobirama facepalmed yet again, in reaction to his brother's bizzare idea.

"ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING!" Madara's shrieking voice jostled Hashirama back from his reverie.

Right ,he thought, this is going to work, whether he likes it or not.

"Listen Madara…"

"NO!"

"THERE WILL BE A MARRIAGE! IT'S THE BEST FOR BOTH OF OUR CLANS!" He hated to raise his voice, but it seemed like the only option.

That was it, he had to play his trump card, he never liked utilizing the authorities of a Hokage, yet there was no other way.

"As Hokage of Konoha, I am enforcing an inter-clan marriage between your brother Izuna Uchiha and my cousin Toka Senju, whether you like it or not!"

Madara rolled his eyes, "Hokage my ass…"

Much to his annoyance, all the Senju did was smirk, "all would be well in due time."


	3. Chapter 3

"He agreed?!" Tobirama was astounded.

"Saw it with my own eyes," smirked Hashirama sheepishly.

Then without warning, he burst out into laughter, then tears, then…

"Tobirama, I'd just so happy! Our cycle of hatred will finally end after this marriage! Oh… It's just, just, thank you so much for your support!"

Tobirama groaned as he listened to his brother's load of nonsense.

"Hashirama, hang on a second."

"Yes…" Great. His brother looked downcast again, typical Hashirama, bipolar as hell.

"Has Madara told his brother yet?" He looked stern.

"No…"

"Have you told Toka yet?"

"No…" Hashirama looked confused.

"TELL HER NOW YOU IDIOT!"

Tobirama shook his head, this isn't going well… he thought to himself.


	4. Chapter 4

Hashirama was renowned as the God of Shinobi, his prowess in Mokuton being admired and coveted throughout the entire Shinobi World. But he really wasn't the brightest person when it came to, eh… matchmaking.

Let's say that after several strenuous attempts to persuade both his little brother and Madara into this, Toka Senju and Izuna Uchiha were still completely ignorant.

That's precisely the reason why Hashirama earned Konohagakure's most terrifying slap-on-the-face (these were the pre-Tsunade days…) and had half of his office demolished when he ceremoniously announced it to his, not-so-very-happy cousin.

At first she had been shocked, then she was flabbergasted, then she broke out into a thunderous rant, proclaiming that she could do much better than an Uchiha, to boot, he was… blind…. eyeball-deprived—that was the more accurate word, seeing as his psychotic elder brother had hacked off his eyes for rather uncanny purposes.

"He's an Uchiha, he's blind AND he has a psychotic elder brother!" she protested.

By that time, Hashirama had already re-grown half of his office's damaged properties.

"But it's all arranged…" Hashirama stated gloomily, "I've went through all this—"

"You should've asked me for my permission first!"

"Eh… hehe… I totally forgot…" his voiced trailed off.

And so a bunch of Chuunin errand runners decided to make a detour around the Hokage's office, due to the deafening sounds of violence and bloodshed that came from inside.


	5. Chapter 5

"An engagement dinner?" Madara grunted, "like that's going to happen."

He was particularly reluctant about this, but he had been forced to relent.

"It'll be brilliant! It's in the best, most luxurious restaurant in all of Konoha!" Hashirama bellowed, proud of his arrangements.

Madara just rolled his eyes, having a loud, rambunctious Senju proclaiming to be your best-friend was already bad enough, soon, he'd have to deal with another one living in his household!

Sighing, he downed a shot of bear.

"Madara?" Hashirama's eye's lit up.

He rolled his eyes—that guy was up to something again.

"How about a drinking competition, you beat me, I'll call off the engagement dinner, I beat you, you've got to stop complaining and go on with it!"

Madara groaned, the Uchiha's weren't exactly known for their alcohol tolerance and on top of this, as much as he hated to admit, he didn't stand a chance, that Senju could drink galloons and galloons of vodka as if it were nothing.

"Only Kami-know's what's wrong with this guy and alcohol…" he grumbled to himself as he was forced to accept his already fate-ordained loss.

**A/N: So how do u guys think it's going? XD Reviews are really appreciated as I would really like to hear about your opinions and what you think would happen :)**


	6. Chapter 6

"Hashirama, I'm so going to get you back for this," Toka looked as if she were about to murder him as she, Hashirama and Tobirama entered the restaurant.

"It's for the sake of the village!"

"Oh quit your nonsensical rumblings, mark my words, I WILL get you back!"

"Oh come on!"

"But seriously, how DID you even get those two to agree."

"Madara says Izuna has a crush on you..." Hashirama's voice trailed off, he really wasn't the best at lying.

"No, I mean, honestly." Toka deadpanned.

"Eh..."

"By the way," she glanced at the sign: Konoha Sea, "I hate seafood."

Meanwhile, after observing those two, Tobirama facepalmed, he had a dreadful feeling about this evening…

**A/N: Next mini-chapter is up! So what do you guys think about it? Any suggestions? What would YOU like to see happen?**


	7. Chapter 7

Madara gazed sternly at his little brother, he had decided to avoid—no, he could muster the courage to tell Izuna about the marriage matter.

Izuna had distrusted the Senju even more than he did, Madara couldn't bear to imagine his reaction when he heard he's going to marry one of them.

It was only on the night before the dinner that he finally resolved to give Izuna, the "Talk".

"Izuna, have you ever considered marriage?"

"No, why?"

"You're getting married." Madara was surprised at how abrupt and awkward this sounded.

Izuna looked at him, even with his eyes bandaged, his open mouth was enough to reveal his disbelief, Madara could tell what he was going to say…

"Is this a joke?!"


	8. Chapter 8

It was an hour past their arranged time, Madara and Izuna were still absent.

"Hey, if they don't show up, does this mean I can ditch the marriage?" Toka's hopes were starting to rise.

Only to hear her cousin laugh, "absolutely not! I told Madara he'd be next on the marriage list if him and Izuna don't show up."

Meanwhile Tobirama looked scared too, Toka wondered whether Hashirama had threatened him too about marriage. That was probably the only method that would drag him here.

She gulped. So this was how Hashirama managed to convince both of them into 'co-operating'.


	9. Chapter 9

Madara practically had to carry his younger brother—who had, after his revelation, attempted multiple suicides—into the restaurant.

Izuna was disgruntled at the idea, "she's probably a Senju spy…" he had said, except, as much as Madara loved his brother, he just really isn't in the mood to find a wife.

A gloomy air descended upon the side of the table inhabited by the Uchiha brothers, while on the other side, a disgruntled Toka resembled a volcano on the verge of eruption.

"A toast to the soon-to-be-weds!" Hashirama's exuberant voice broke the silence, or at least tried to…

He received an embarrassed gaze from Tobirama that seemed to say, brother, please, no, just no.

Madara meanwhile snorted, Hashirama had assured him that Toka was a skilled medic and a gentle woman. Judging on first impressions, he realized that things were very different.

"Gentle my ass…" he muttered to himself.

This evening is doomed to be an awkward mess.


	10. Chapter 10

Izuna was immersed in a state of depression, his life had been miserable, his eyes had been taken from him—that's a major handicap and he was getting married to Toka Senju. Toka SENJU. He was convinced that there was some conspiracy in this: that's his cynical nature, and how on earth did his brother manage to agree? Why, just why?

"Hashirama, are you serious, I'd have to LIVE with them?!" He felt the table fracture in half. This was his ehh… future wife? He buried his face in his palms and was immersed in despair.

She could do with some anger management first.


	11. Chapter 11

"Screw you Hashirama this has NOTHING to do with clan politics! You are just doing this to piss everyone off, look NO ONE is happy about it, NO ONE!" Toka screamed on top of her voice.

"What…no!no!" Hashirama defended himself to no avail.

"Toka, calm down," Tobirama decided to intervene, well, since technically he IS the most normal one out of the bunch. Mind you that's not saying much: an idealistic idiot, a short-tempered, dangerously irascible female, a megalomaniacal psychopath who took his brother's eyes and the brother himself that was forced to deal with having bandages covering the top half of his face for the past two.

"WHAT!" She snapped back.

"It's true that you may not like him…"

"Don't think I like her either," Izuna snapped, " I have no interest in SENJUS, by the way is it a customary thing that all Senju woman are in dire need of anger management lessons?" he mocked.

"What did you say?!" This was it, Toka was going to make his life miserable—or should we say, even more. "YOU, sir, need to get an eyeball transplant first and quit acting so mean spirited."

"Says the woman who just broke the table in half."

She glared at him with an ominous gaze that caused shivers down Hashirama's spine.

It was the first time Izuna spoke up this evening and he had insulted her, big time.


	12. Chapter 12

Hashirama had to bind those two to their seats using his Mokuton to refrain any violence from going on.

"Calm, down, around two months later, you'll be newly weds!" He shouted on top of Toka's cussing, "Stop! Stop! Stop!"

"Crazy woman."

"F*cking eyeball-deprived jerk!"

"Anger managed deprived, ridiculously—"

"Screw you!"

"I highly recommend you take anger management lessons before you attempt ANYTHING."

"Says the guy without eyeballs."

"Is that the only insult you can come up with? You're a dumbass."

"Say what?!" Hashirama had to restrain her even more.

Both of them have been going on like this for the past three hours, scaring away the majority of customers from the restaurant, Hashirama was very, very desperate and Madara was incredibly disgruntled.

"You are. Can't believe the Senju's actually sent you as a spy. Tch… most you'll do is demolish some of our property and scar some of our children with that craziness of yours," Izuna snorted, "Oh and—"

This time he was interrupted by Hashirama, " please my friend, try to be more co-operative, there really is NO ill will, marriage between you guys could really end hundreds of years of feuding, and think about it! Me and Madara would be related!" He added with glee.

Except all Madara did was roll his eyes, which drove Hashirama's mood down.

"No. This is NOT going to happen." Izuna declared resolutely.

"LIKE HELL DO I WANT TO GET MARRIED EITHER!" Toka's voice shattered his eardrums


	13. Chapter 13

Tobirama Senju was in a rotten, rotten mood the next day, both Hashirama and Madara managed to escape from the mayhem of yesterday's disastrous dinner just in time to avoid any serious injuries.

Which left him at the mercy of two extremely outraged people, well more like one outraged woman who just happened to be his cousin and a guy that never ceases to provoke her.

Wonderful.

He groaned as his brother rumbled on and on about his wedding plans. Like any of that is actually going to happen, he thought with dismay.

"… are you listening? Hey Tobirama I have a wonderful idea about—"

"NO! No drinking competitions, we're all shinobi there, no spin the bottle, no dancers, no strippers, no—"

"Aww…" Hashirama's face drooped, "but it'll be so fun and exciting—"

"NO! Now please you've got more important things to consider about."

"But I've already met up with the Council about the entire academy—"

"Oh please—"

"Anyways I was thinking we should order twenty gallons of vodka and we need to find Toka a suitable kimono I think—"

"NO!"

"Fine…" Hashirama went to skulk in a corner, still intent on continuing with the wedding.

Tobirama sighed, he was not looking forward to this.

**A/N: Hey, first all of I would like to thank all of those of you who've read, followed of favorited this story until now, thank you all so much for your support. **

**Any suggestions for the wedding and Toka and Izuna's disastrous co-habitation? XD**


	14. Chapter 14

"Hashirama," Madara glared at him sternly, "if you are setting up my brother for an abusive relationship…"

"Come on! They have chemistry, people say the more argumentative two people are, the more they make a good couple," Hashirama defended himself, "the wedding will be—"

"A disaster."

"No, hehe it's be awesome, I've ordered twenty gallons of vodka, a couple of strippers—"

"That's terrible!" Madara cut him off, "and stop going into your depression mode!"

"Come on, we've already gone so far… eh… I know I wasn't being completely honest about Toka's personality but—"

"You were saying the exact opposite! The moment we arrived home Izuna tried to drown himself in a bathtub," he said flatly.

"That's why your brother needs a wife to look after him, otherwise he'll go completely psychotic!"

"NO! I've made up my mind."

"Hmmm… I suppose it'll work then, but Toka needs to get married either way so I guess you'll have to be her groom," Hashirama gleamed.

Madara gulped, "never mind, I take what I said back, let your marriage thing continue," he groaned in annoyance to his friend's victorious grin.

**A/N: Next up, the wedding, haha writing this really takes off some of the stress in studying XD**

**Anyways, guys, any suggestions. Read and Review! (The more reviews the more chapters I'll do!)**

**:)**


	15. Chapter 15

The Senju and the Uchiha were glaring daggers at each other, can't blame them less than two years ago they were still on the battlefield trying to kill each other. Even after the truce, despite certain aspects of their relationship improving, hostility still remained.

Madara was glaring daggers at Hashirama who beamed back, Tobirama's face was in his hands—a permanent facepalm, Toka was glaring daggers at Izuna, who would have been glaring daggers at her if he had eyes.

The wedding was going on pretty smoothly, Hashirama would have euphemized, asides from the fact that Izuna had tried to hang himself the day before and Toka was not enjoying her oversized kimono with an oversized flower (that Hashirama grew using his Mokuton) on her head.

Just when this couldn't get any better, Hashirama yelled on top of his microphone: "here comes the sumo wrestlers!"

Almost every single one of the guests groaned in protest, while Tobirama glared exasperatedly at Hashirama, his gaze seemed to chide, _Sumo wrestlers at a wedding, really brother?_

Both the Senjus and Uchihas facepalmed in unison.


	16. Chapter 16

"Hashirama, no just no," Tobirama groaned in complaint, "you are not going to use your Mokuton to grow a 'nice little cottage' for the newly weds."

The wedding was almost over and suffice to say, everybody had an… unforgettable evening.

Let's see, the Uchihas and Senju's still disliked each other but were temporarily united in facing the atrocity of party strippers, oversized, malfunctioning disco balls, projectors that portrayed rather… interesting images of nude woman and animals that went on rampage from the Daimyo's personal zoo.

There were also the drinking competitions, which Hashirama occasionally ventured in, always trumping everybody into a state of drunken stupor. Then there was spin-the-bottle, well, Hashirama had rather unsuccessfully tried to convince people from both clans to participate together, hoping to spark some 'chemistry'. Of course we all know that that turned out.

Hashirama was delighted and Tobirama was embarrassed at his brother.

Izuna had attempted another suicide with a butter knife and Toka had screamed hysterically on how she would butcher the Hokage for this.

Meanwhile, Madara was desperately trying to avoid Hashirama, who would have indubitable challenge him to a drinking contest or—he shivered—force him to kiss a random girl in one of the spin-the-bottle games.

The wedding went by splendidly.


	17. Chapter 17

"Let's settle this, jerk, I will always be called Toka Senju, in no way would I ever adopt the last name: Uchiha, got it?" the irate bride snapped at her groom, who wasn't feeling much better either.

"Same goes for me, hear it crazy woman?"

They've been arguing about the same thing for an entire hour and both of them were starting to get frustrated.

"Get an eyes transplant first!"

"Take your anger management classes!"

"Stop trying to commit suicide with a tooth pick, stabbing it on your throat won't do much!"

Madara glared at Hashirama as if saying, I'm living with those two, and so if things get out of hand I'll demand a divorce.

Hashirama glanced back at him and smiled wildly, no way, they'll make a wonderful couple.


End file.
